head vs heart.

I had a tough decision to make.

I made it. I took it back. I made it again. I went through with it......and here I am... Unemployment.

and i'm heartbroken.


honestly heartbroken.

I'm sure it was the right decision. that's what my head tells me.     but that hasn't filtered to my heart yet.

I fear I will regret this decision for the rest of my life.

but I guess that's just because I can't see past it.
I know I will be unemployed for at least 2 months. and that's being optimistic.

That's two months with myself.
that's two months without focus, and two months without purpose.


I know that as a christian, Jesus should be my purpose. Should be my all.
that my identity should be in him.

but that's my major struggle.

I am what I do.

and right now, I'm a failure.

and that's really hard. because I made this choice......


right now I need his grace, his strength and his mercy.
I need to know that he is with me.
I need to know that he has something planned.
I need to know he can get me through my pity party...

thoughts.

I've been thinking a lot.

I'm been thinking about passion.....and how it grows and fades....    about privilege...about change...about hope, and about desire... about organisation.....about 'headspace'....        

I may just blog about each one of these things separately...

'So, who's gonna watch you die?'



Same old crap.

Just more intense.


Same people.

But no response.


People get fed up.

But..... I get fed up too.


And sometimes, we just need someone to have a little faith, or have a little belief in us.

But there's not many out there who are willing to take that risk.

For the LORD your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” (Zephaniah 3:17 NLT)

I know where I want to be.

And I will get there.

I know who I want to be.

And I will become that person.


Things take time.
I need patience, and oh boy do I need grace.

If I want to work with mentally unwell or abused young people I need to study. I need to learn. I need to build upon my skills, my strengths.... Craft my trade....

I must become strong, somewhat secure and have a heart of hope, compassion, empathy and a bit of craziness....

And, I will get there.

Hope

There's a song by foy vance, called the two shades of hope....

It talks about how hope deals the hardest blows.

How you can put so much hope into something.....and then when it goes wrong, it can be soul destroying

I'm in that sort of situation.

Torn between having hope, and giving up on a dream.
If I have hope, real deep hope, then if it doesn't work out.... I'll be hurt. I will be sad to be honest.

So I keep trying to rule it out..... But because of the uncertainty.... I keep going back to it.... 'maybe...'.... Like a moth to a flame.... Am I destined to get myself hurt?

So often I am seen as being too negative, too cynical, too pessimistic...:
And right now....
Right now I need to be all of those things to protect my heart.

But I just can't.
I can't turn off the hope for this situation, the optimism.....
Even though that alone is causing me hurt already...,

Attitudes&emotions are a funny funny thing.....

'Do you know your worth?'



I keep being asked this question by God.....
I haven't answered him yet,,..
And he keeps asking.... 'Hannah...do you know your worth?'

'Hannah, do you know your worth?'
'do you know your worth?'

x a million.....

Two sides.

I am currently attempting to pack up my things and move house.

It's pretty stressful.

I wish I could click my fingers and it'd be all done. I wish I didn't have so much crap, and I wish I didn't feel bad throwing some of it away.......

So, I'm having a pretty huge clear out.

I'n throwing away things I've had for almost a decade. Which is scary.

I know I'll feel better once it's done, I love the feeling after a real clear out.

I hate clutter. But I have so much of it.


My mind is all over the place at the minute.

I got given some career advice on Friday there....which was great.... I felt a little hopeful for a while, like my dreams were possible. (did someone say cheese?)

But then it's like, I see this person I want to be. This life I want to have.

And,
I
Am
So
Far
From
That.


That girl, would not be sitting in the middle of her room surrounded by shoes and hangers and other miscellaneous items.... Unsure about it all.

That girl is sure, dedicated, committed, intelligent, understanding&highly capable.

Right now- I feel the opposite to all of the above.

I am disloyal.
I show no commitment to anything.
I have no patience, and little understanding.
I feel knowledge-less in the field I want to work in...
And i am incompetent.

Especially at packing&moving house.

I know exactly who I want to be.

My 'therapist' brain is telling me ;
Break that down for me.
Who is it you want to be? What does that life look like? What are the specifics?

What steps can you take to get there? Baby steps. Manageable steps.
Positive mental attitude- if you see it broken down into tiny manageable steps, then it is possible.

So write it down- draw it out- sit with it- act on it- and don't panic when you don't get there straight away- each step is an achievement- just keep going.

My 'hannah' brain is telling me this;

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Give up now.
No point.
Will never get there.

Go work in tescos. You know you can do that.... Why take the risk?
You can't even pack up your house!

It's funny..... How we can think such contrary things....

What's also on my mind- how things change SO much in no time. But that's maybe for another time....

I am not strong enough to not get this job, which in turn means I am not strong enough to do this job......

Which means failure.......


This, this is not a healthy thought pattern....

Things that are not ok/socially acceptable

1. Throwing your food on the floor in a restaurant.
2. Being so drunk u can't walk.
3. Going out dressed the way I was tonight.
4. Ginger eyebrows.
5. Boys wanting the best of both worlds.
6. Friends being hurt.
7. The fridge being weird.
8. Snoring.
9.baldy.
10. Allowing yourself to be groped
for a smoke.
11. not remembering.
12. Being in love with someone u should not be in love with.
13. Not getting letters when you're meant to.
14. Leaving odd voicemails.
15. Going to bed at 4.20am

Disorganised

In work I am super organised.
Lists galore.
Weeks planned in advance.
Each day is planned out..

In my personal life.... It's a completely different story.
I am unbelievably disorganised.

And here's an example,

Tomorrow I have an interview.
For a job I so desperately want.
I have 2 sets of police check forms to bring, and all my certificates&ID.

I have not filled out any of that.
I also haven't done any interview prep or sorted out interview clothes.

Tomorrow I also have an occupational health appt with the trust. I have not filled out my form for it either yet.
I have had it for weeks.

I don't know what it is that makes me so disorganised in my personal life.... In work I'm like an organisational machine....

Currently I'm sitting on my bedroom floor contemplating making a cup of tea..... I should be reading up on attachment theory, looking over my application form, the job description, sorting my clothes.....

Dear motivation...please appear!

So, I'm sick.

Which means I'm grumpy. Just a heads up.

I hate when people act like they're letting the world know things that it didn't know before.

Nothing is new.

We are not some kind of superhero who has the answer to everything.

Our word is not final, and is not the be all and end all.

Basically, people displaying opinions as fact, and 'I'm right....' piss me off.

Express an opinion, that's fine. Thata great. I love reading and hearing peoples opinions...... Just not when they're saying that no1 else can have an opinion.

this is all.
x

so many thoughts.

my head is literally full of thoughts at the minute.
so much so that i'm not even sure i can write them all down.

I'm not sure I can process them.

belonging.
happiness
freedom.
being.
hope.
future.
decisions.
fear.
life.
connection.
vulnerability.



I need to not rush my life.

I need to appreciate it.

I need to live it.


24 month phone contract.

23 left before I can have an adventure.


excuses excuses? 

I just want to live.

fear

I live a life that is dictated by fear.


either fear that something wont happen...

or fear that something will.

I am ruled by fear.

I'm pretty sure that's not ok.

9.

I am loving life right now.

I am finally reading the bible again, and learning from it, thanks to a friend...

Learning is helping my attitudes and my heart to change....

And I am so in love with Jesus.

And it's been a real long time since I've been able to say it and mean it.

I am so amazed by the whole concept of freedom at the minute.

That Jesus has set me free.....

Despite me being rubbish and sinful, god sees me as faultless and has gladly given me freedom..... Jesus gladly died for me... Infact it pleased him too.....
But he didn't die so that I could go on the way I am...

He died so I could be free from all the things that hold me back ; fear,worry,insecurity,doubt......

He died so I could live free and live to the full...

I can let go of all the negativity.... And just live free.

( I'm not saying I'm never going to be negative again..... But I am so often consumed by negative thoughts... And I don't have to be....)

I am loving falling in love with Jesus.

x

I can't sleep

Well,
That's a lie.
I slept, but woke up at 5. At least I won't be late for work?
I don't know what it is that I just can't get a proper sleep. I'm either not getting to sleep until 3 or 4, or I'm waking early.

I feel defeated right now, and worried.

I overthink, and I over worry.

I'm not so sure I'm cut out for this social work/support worker business.

I need to learn to switch off. 'did I ring this person? That organisation? Have I typed their assessment? Support plan? What I'm I doing with that young person tomorrow? Will they make it through the night? Did I make the right decision? Have I remembered everything for this contact? '

I need to switch off.


Or work in a shop.

( I'm also continue to fail at my 15minute challenge)

24 goals

Worry, worry worry worry

I worry.

alot.


about everything.
about anything.
about big things.
about the littlest things.


and sometimes, it's just time to stop.

So.

I'm gonna try and stop being such a worrier.

I don't know if that is possible....

but I need to try.