2 {A splurge....}

I'm 22.     yet i'm such a child.


I'm insecure.        Yet i'm confident.



I want to quit this youth work job.     Mainly because no youth go to the youth centre.... I didn't sign up for little children.


I wan't to be a part of something bigger than myself.


I need time to think. to work myself out.

I need Jesus to wake up my heart.                            

I grew so close.......     
.....I drifted so far away.

I think the bible's boring. 


I really like cups of tea.

I'm starting to see God as something more than just hope.                 

I'm seeing his vengeful side.        
does that make sense? his jealously?   His right to be respected?

I have to accept this discipline. This rebuke.       I have to learn.
God is not a vending machine.
God is not a comments box.

I'm easily angered.

I say things I regret.

A friend once told me that there's only so many times I can walk away before my heart will grow hard and it won't make sense anymore. 
He was right.



God is not mine. I am his.

why do I fight it?


Why would I prefer a bottle of wine/vodka/cocktails with friends to an evening with my saviour?
Why am I ashamed to know about Jesus?
Why does admitting i'm a Christian bother me so?

Did you see that? Admitting i'm a christian - like it's a guilty pleasure. like it's saying I quite like one direction...but shh,... don't tell anyone....


and yet....

He loves me.     ( and I don't know how I feel about that.)

1.

Normally when I decide to start a blog there are a million thoughts running through my head. but this time...not so much.

I went to a friends church earlier.  I'd promised them I'd go at some point, and to be honest... I don't think either of us really expected me to.     but I did.
Though, I didn't tell him I was going tonight, so he wasn't there...... it was me and about 30 50+'s, and a few younger ones dotted about the place.
There was a keyboard, set to sound like an organ, bibles and hymn books on the chairs.

If you know me, you'll know this is not the kinda place I would choose to go.      yet i did.   I obviously did not expect it to be like that before i went.


I did not enjoy it.

I was uncomfortable to the max.  I was being watched. I didn't sing the hymns. I didn't really listen. I was so nervous about being in a church that I found it hard to stand as I was shaking.
From I sat down I was wondering, 'How do I get out of here without having to make awkward small chat?'.
I wish I had 'Christian' tattooed on my head, so that people wouldn't try to convert me and ask me if i'd heard of the bible before.

 I wanted to go in, and be invisible.  To say hello to my friend if he'd been there, and leave.
I wanted to slip in, and slip out. to be unnoticed.
 

So often in church I would complain about being unoticed. yet in this one- I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

I wanted to leave unchanged. Unchallenged.    (I got what I wanted.)
I guess this isn't what church is about?    but what is church about?  what is the point?



is it necessary? this is a question I ask a lot.    I'm no clearer on the answer.



I did get to speak to my friend afterwards, as he'd arrived to take the YF.

I am so lucky to have friends like him.     maybe he's more of a mentor than a friend?   Friendship implies a 2-way thing....and I think the most i've ever done for him is make him a cup of hot ribenna.     but let's just go with friends.  

He's determined to see me grow. ( not physically.... i deff missed the boat on that one).
He's determined to get me to pray, instead of just asking others to pray about something.
So, he's developed an idea of how to make that happen....

That's the kinda friend you want.... someone who can do something for you, until you can do it... and who will encourage you to do it.
Kinda reminds me of the story in the gospels of the lame man? and his friends took him to jesus cus he couldn't get there himself?
That's what this is kinda like.... He takes me, and all the rubbish I throw at him to Jesus, because I don't. It's not that I can't, it's that I won't, or I don't want to...or maybe I'm not sure how to anymore.    ( excuses, excuses. )



He's starting a group for 18-30s... and he asked me "What would make you want to come to church?".


and that is a question I do not know the answer to.

My initial thought was...well.... if you removed Jesus from th situation, I'd probably enjoy church a lot more.   (that my friends, is just the kind of christian i am...   )

but the more I think about it, I think what I actually mean is that it needs to be stripped back. all the hymns, songs, benedictions ...all of that crap, gone.
It would need to be real, and honest. and raw. and like a discussion.
This is what would make me want to go. I think. However, I know that even if it was like this, that I wouldn't go...and I wouldn't get involved.        and I don't know why...                                     lies.
I do know why. but its not something  want to blog about.


the weekend goes too fast....

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