For the LORD your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” (Zephaniah 3:17 NLT)

I know where I want to be.

And I will get there.

I know who I want to be.

And I will become that person.


Things take time.
I need patience, and oh boy do I need grace.

If I want to work with mentally unwell or abused young people I need to study. I need to learn. I need to build upon my skills, my strengths.... Craft my trade....

I must become strong, somewhat secure and have a heart of hope, compassion, empathy and a bit of craziness....

And, I will get there.

Hope

There's a song by foy vance, called the two shades of hope....

It talks about how hope deals the hardest blows.

How you can put so much hope into something.....and then when it goes wrong, it can be soul destroying

I'm in that sort of situation.

Torn between having hope, and giving up on a dream.
If I have hope, real deep hope, then if it doesn't work out.... I'll be hurt. I will be sad to be honest.

So I keep trying to rule it out..... But because of the uncertainty.... I keep going back to it.... 'maybe...'.... Like a moth to a flame.... Am I destined to get myself hurt?

So often I am seen as being too negative, too cynical, too pessimistic...:
And right now....
Right now I need to be all of those things to protect my heart.

But I just can't.
I can't turn off the hope for this situation, the optimism.....
Even though that alone is causing me hurt already...,

Attitudes&emotions are a funny funny thing.....

'Do you know your worth?'



I keep being asked this question by God.....
I haven't answered him yet,,..
And he keeps asking.... 'Hannah...do you know your worth?'

'Hannah, do you know your worth?'
'do you know your worth?'

x a million.....

Two sides.

I am currently attempting to pack up my things and move house.

It's pretty stressful.

I wish I could click my fingers and it'd be all done. I wish I didn't have so much crap, and I wish I didn't feel bad throwing some of it away.......

So, I'm having a pretty huge clear out.

I'n throwing away things I've had for almost a decade. Which is scary.

I know I'll feel better once it's done, I love the feeling after a real clear out.

I hate clutter. But I have so much of it.


My mind is all over the place at the minute.

I got given some career advice on Friday there....which was great.... I felt a little hopeful for a while, like my dreams were possible. (did someone say cheese?)

But then it's like, I see this person I want to be. This life I want to have.

And,
I
Am
So
Far
From
That.


That girl, would not be sitting in the middle of her room surrounded by shoes and hangers and other miscellaneous items.... Unsure about it all.

That girl is sure, dedicated, committed, intelligent, understanding&highly capable.

Right now- I feel the opposite to all of the above.

I am disloyal.
I show no commitment to anything.
I have no patience, and little understanding.
I feel knowledge-less in the field I want to work in...
And i am incompetent.

Especially at packing&moving house.

I know exactly who I want to be.

My 'therapist' brain is telling me ;
Break that down for me.
Who is it you want to be? What does that life look like? What are the specifics?

What steps can you take to get there? Baby steps. Manageable steps.
Positive mental attitude- if you see it broken down into tiny manageable steps, then it is possible.

So write it down- draw it out- sit with it- act on it- and don't panic when you don't get there straight away- each step is an achievement- just keep going.

My 'hannah' brain is telling me this;

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Give up now.
No point.
Will never get there.

Go work in tescos. You know you can do that.... Why take the risk?
You can't even pack up your house!

It's funny..... How we can think such contrary things....

What's also on my mind- how things change SO much in no time. But that's maybe for another time....

I am not strong enough to not get this job, which in turn means I am not strong enough to do this job......

Which means failure.......


This, this is not a healthy thought pattern....