head vs heart.

I had a tough decision to make.

I made it. I took it back. I made it again. I went through with it......and here I am... Unemployment.

and i'm heartbroken.


honestly heartbroken.

I'm sure it was the right decision. that's what my head tells me.     but that hasn't filtered to my heart yet.

I fear I will regret this decision for the rest of my life.

but I guess that's just because I can't see past it.
I know I will be unemployed for at least 2 months. and that's being optimistic.

That's two months with myself.
that's two months without focus, and two months without purpose.


I know that as a christian, Jesus should be my purpose. Should be my all.
that my identity should be in him.

but that's my major struggle.

I am what I do.

and right now, I'm a failure.

and that's really hard. because I made this choice......


right now I need his grace, his strength and his mercy.
I need to know that he is with me.
I need to know that he has something planned.
I need to know he can get me through my pity party...

thoughts.

I've been thinking a lot.

I'm been thinking about passion.....and how it grows and fades....    about privilege...about change...about hope, and about desire... about organisation.....about 'headspace'....        

I may just blog about each one of these things separately...

'So, who's gonna watch you die?'



Same old crap.

Just more intense.


Same people.

But no response.


People get fed up.

But..... I get fed up too.


And sometimes, we just need someone to have a little faith, or have a little belief in us.

But there's not many out there who are willing to take that risk.

For the LORD your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” (Zephaniah 3:17 NLT)

I know where I want to be.

And I will get there.

I know who I want to be.

And I will become that person.


Things take time.
I need patience, and oh boy do I need grace.

If I want to work with mentally unwell or abused young people I need to study. I need to learn. I need to build upon my skills, my strengths.... Craft my trade....

I must become strong, somewhat secure and have a heart of hope, compassion, empathy and a bit of craziness....

And, I will get there.

Hope

There's a song by foy vance, called the two shades of hope....

It talks about how hope deals the hardest blows.

How you can put so much hope into something.....and then when it goes wrong, it can be soul destroying

I'm in that sort of situation.

Torn between having hope, and giving up on a dream.
If I have hope, real deep hope, then if it doesn't work out.... I'll be hurt. I will be sad to be honest.

So I keep trying to rule it out..... But because of the uncertainty.... I keep going back to it.... 'maybe...'.... Like a moth to a flame.... Am I destined to get myself hurt?

So often I am seen as being too negative, too cynical, too pessimistic...:
And right now....
Right now I need to be all of those things to protect my heart.

But I just can't.
I can't turn off the hope for this situation, the optimism.....
Even though that alone is causing me hurt already...,

Attitudes&emotions are a funny funny thing.....

'Do you know your worth?'



I keep being asked this question by God.....
I haven't answered him yet,,..
And he keeps asking.... 'Hannah...do you know your worth?'

'Hannah, do you know your worth?'
'do you know your worth?'

x a million.....