6.

Too much vodka....Too much gin.... broken glass, cut hand, best sleep, wake up, regret.

it always goes the same way doesn't it?
it always ends the same.


and no matter what.... no matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter if I feed the homeless, go to church or down copious shots.... no matter what, He loves.  He stays.   He offers comfort.  He does not judge.  He protects. He does not give up.  He hopes.   He endures.   He has faith. He has strength.   No matter what, he remains the same.

Grace.
Noun. 'Free and undeserved favor.'

I cannot grasp grace.      
I have been taught, action then consequence.

antecedent, behaviour, consequence.
ABC.

But,    he removes the consequence. 
He replaces it with love, with forgiveness.


I recieve grace. I need grace.   but I don't get it.

but just because theres grace.... that doesn't make my mistakes acceptable, it doesn't make it ok.

'he must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.' 

 no matter what.

restless

I feel so restless.


I want an adventure.


I'm freaking out cus i'm probably getting a 24 month phone contract....          

I don't want to be stuck here in 2 years time, in my parents house, working in bcm......      

I just don't want to be here, doing the same thing.

I'm craving adventure.............................                 

4.

I just want to be back in placement.

I miss that place so much. As much as I hated parts of it at the time, I really do miss it and I would love to be back there.

I just want to work in CAMHS. and I know that's so far away.

But I got a taste of my dream job.... and now I just want it.

I miss the young people, and while I know most of the one's I worked with won't be there anymore, I still want to work there again....

I honestly think I would give everything to work there again. I would sacrifice holidays,friends,a family, a husband... I would give it all to work there again.

It's why I get in from work and read about mental health, and policies, legislation and procedures.
It's my heart desire to be CAMHS inpatient social worker and practitioner.



So tonight, my hearts sore.
Cus I don't know if Child B is keeping a healthy weight, and not hating themselves for it.

Cus I don't know if Child C recieved the services I referred them to.

Cus I don't know if Child L has somewhere to live....a place that will help their heart to heal from all the shit people thought it was ok to put them through.

Cus I don't know if Child S is safe. is happy.......  is getting the help they need.

and most importantly, I don't know if Child H is alive.      Their life is worth so much.    and I just hope they know that.     


and just so I don't get in trouble, The initials used in no way relate to the young people's names.

3.

Breathe.

I can't believe it's december.

The last time i really remember is september....and now all of a sudden it's nearly christmas.

Things have been a bit mad the last week.

I took an allergic reaction to my contact lenses, ended up in eye casualty, missed half a day of work, had to cancel 3 visits, and it completely threw me for the rest of the week.

I met the young person i'm gonna be mentoring for the next year. It's through an organisation called 'voice of young people in care' (voypic)...    so, it's gonna be interesting.   it's gonna be harder than I thought.

I stayed late at work to do paperwork after a very stressful day, I didn't have my key, almost got locked in by the building owners, had to call my boss to come from their home to the office to lock up, and I sat in the office and cried cus it felt like the worst day ever.                     In hindsight....   I was maybe a little irrational.

We had our work christmas do..... and I drove, so I wouldn't drink. There was the option to leave the car at my colleagues and get a lift home with someone else's boyfriend....and I was highly tempted, especially as i'd had a stressful week...but i didn't, and i'm glad I didn't....

I have tuesday off work, and I'm so excited.
I have it off because i have an interview for another job.... i'm not so excited about that. It's first thing and in lisburn, and I hate social work interviews.
But after it, i'm gonna take a look for a christmas present for my brother. Go pick a christmas tree with my mum, decorate it and feel christmassy ( gingerbread latte's will be a must...) and then i'm gonna go pick my friend up from training, who has been in africa for like 2 months and I haven't seen her in about 3 months... and we're gonna take a wee trip to the christmas market and have a huge catch up.

I'm excited about having time to do things.
The weekends always seem so busy, even when I don't have much planned. I think it's because I know they're gonna end, and there's always that dread of Monday....

My life seems to just be passing by me everyday. I'm not taking time to enjoy it. I'm not taking time to breathe.

I am not taking time to appreciate.

I am working,eating,volunteering,sleeping..... and that's it.

I'm not appreciating what i'm doing.       
If I was to go back and tell my 18 year old self that in 4 years i'd be working with young homeless people, I'd have been unbelievabley excited.
now, I dread going to work.....            because I don't appreciate it, because I don't have time or space to breathe in work. Because it's deadline,deadline,deadline....
but just because the organization is deadline focused doesn't mean I have to be....but it is what I have become...and  I need to change that.

One real thought on my mind right now, is that next year I need to take a wee holiday somewhere and have time.

Time to breathe, time to focus, time to relax.    and more importantly time to focus on Jesus.
I need to be inspired again.
I want to learn again.

Now, here's the risk.

i will think to myself great, I'll take that wee trip next year sometime.... and i'll wait until then to focus on Jesus...and then i'll never take the trip....

so, a challenge for myself...  15 minutes a day with Jesus.
15minutes isn't very long.... so I should be able to do that.
then I can build it up.


Things are changing.....

2 {A splurge....}

I'm 22.     yet i'm such a child.


I'm insecure.        Yet i'm confident.



I want to quit this youth work job.     Mainly because no youth go to the youth centre.... I didn't sign up for little children.


I wan't to be a part of something bigger than myself.


I need time to think. to work myself out.

I need Jesus to wake up my heart.                            

I grew so close.......     
.....I drifted so far away.

I think the bible's boring. 


I really like cups of tea.

I'm starting to see God as something more than just hope.                 

I'm seeing his vengeful side.        
does that make sense? his jealously?   His right to be respected?

I have to accept this discipline. This rebuke.       I have to learn.
God is not a vending machine.
God is not a comments box.

I'm easily angered.

I say things I regret.

A friend once told me that there's only so many times I can walk away before my heart will grow hard and it won't make sense anymore. 
He was right.



God is not mine. I am his.

why do I fight it?


Why would I prefer a bottle of wine/vodka/cocktails with friends to an evening with my saviour?
Why am I ashamed to know about Jesus?
Why does admitting i'm a Christian bother me so?

Did you see that? Admitting i'm a christian - like it's a guilty pleasure. like it's saying I quite like one direction...but shh,... don't tell anyone....


and yet....

He loves me.     ( and I don't know how I feel about that.)

1.

Normally when I decide to start a blog there are a million thoughts running through my head. but this time...not so much.

I went to a friends church earlier.  I'd promised them I'd go at some point, and to be honest... I don't think either of us really expected me to.     but I did.
Though, I didn't tell him I was going tonight, so he wasn't there...... it was me and about 30 50+'s, and a few younger ones dotted about the place.
There was a keyboard, set to sound like an organ, bibles and hymn books on the chairs.

If you know me, you'll know this is not the kinda place I would choose to go.      yet i did.   I obviously did not expect it to be like that before i went.


I did not enjoy it.

I was uncomfortable to the max.  I was being watched. I didn't sing the hymns. I didn't really listen. I was so nervous about being in a church that I found it hard to stand as I was shaking.
From I sat down I was wondering, 'How do I get out of here without having to make awkward small chat?'.
I wish I had 'Christian' tattooed on my head, so that people wouldn't try to convert me and ask me if i'd heard of the bible before.

 I wanted to go in, and be invisible.  To say hello to my friend if he'd been there, and leave.
I wanted to slip in, and slip out. to be unnoticed.
 

So often in church I would complain about being unoticed. yet in this one- I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

I wanted to leave unchanged. Unchallenged.    (I got what I wanted.)
I guess this isn't what church is about?    but what is church about?  what is the point?



is it necessary? this is a question I ask a lot.    I'm no clearer on the answer.



I did get to speak to my friend afterwards, as he'd arrived to take the YF.

I am so lucky to have friends like him.     maybe he's more of a mentor than a friend?   Friendship implies a 2-way thing....and I think the most i've ever done for him is make him a cup of hot ribenna.     but let's just go with friends.  

He's determined to see me grow. ( not physically.... i deff missed the boat on that one).
He's determined to get me to pray, instead of just asking others to pray about something.
So, he's developed an idea of how to make that happen....

That's the kinda friend you want.... someone who can do something for you, until you can do it... and who will encourage you to do it.
Kinda reminds me of the story in the gospels of the lame man? and his friends took him to jesus cus he couldn't get there himself?
That's what this is kinda like.... He takes me, and all the rubbish I throw at him to Jesus, because I don't. It's not that I can't, it's that I won't, or I don't want to...or maybe I'm not sure how to anymore.    ( excuses, excuses. )



He's starting a group for 18-30s... and he asked me "What would make you want to come to church?".


and that is a question I do not know the answer to.

My initial thought was...well.... if you removed Jesus from th situation, I'd probably enjoy church a lot more.   (that my friends, is just the kind of christian i am...   )

but the more I think about it, I think what I actually mean is that it needs to be stripped back. all the hymns, songs, benedictions ...all of that crap, gone.
It would need to be real, and honest. and raw. and like a discussion.
This is what would make me want to go. I think. However, I know that even if it was like this, that I wouldn't go...and I wouldn't get involved.        and I don't know why...                                     lies.
I do know why. but its not something  want to blog about.


the weekend goes too fast....

x